


peterparkour has created a chat.

by britishtwat



Series: avengers fluff stuff :) [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Avengers Tower, Awesome Clint Barton, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Domestic Avengers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Natasha Romanov, Multi, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker-centric, Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Pepper Potts, Wanda Maximoff & Peter Parker Friendship, Wanda Maximoff Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 13,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25410406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishtwat/pseuds/britishtwat
Summary: peterparkour has added YouKnowWhoIAm, Steve Rogers, Hawkeye, nat, scarletbitch, givemeplums and TheFalcon to the chat.peterparkour has named the groupchat "avengersASSemble"in which Peter creates a chat and crack and fluff ensues.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov, Peter Parker & Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Steve Rogers, Peter Parker & Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Thor, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team, Wanda Maximoff & Natasha Romanov
Series: avengers fluff stuff :) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854238
Comments: 81
Kudos: 298





	1. what the sweet macaroni frick frack snick snack is a shawl?

**Author's Note:**

> in which cLIT  
> is a little  
> sHIT
> 
> enjoy :))

peterparkour has created a chat. 

peterparkour has added YouKnowWhoIAm, Steve Rogers, Hawkeye, nat, scarletbitch, givemeplums and TheFalcon to the chat.

peterparkour has named the groupchat "avengersASSemble" 

peterparkour: hehehe

YouKnowWhoIAm: oh ffs

peterparkour: cmon Mr Stark it'll be fun!

YouKnowWhoIAm: not likely.

YouKnowWhoIAm has left the chat.

peterparkour: nope. not happening.

peterparkour added YouKnowWhoIAm to the chat.

YouKnowWhoIAm: there's no escape

Steve Rogers: What does ffs mean? 

YouKnowWhoIAm: oh bless him

peterparkour: it means for fuck's sake, sir! 

nat: whoa

Hawkeye: HAHAHAHA atta boy

TheFalcon: Peter! 

givemeplums: oh no, Steve's precious ears/eyes

YouKnowWhoIAm: i'm so proud 

peterparkour: i learn from the best, Mr Stark

Steve Rogers: I have no words

peterparkour changed YouKnowWhoIAm 's user to Mentor

nat: awww 

scarletbitch: CLINT I WILL FUCKING END YOU

Hawkeye: hEHEH 

nat: what'd he do now 

scarletbitch: HE TOOK MY SHAWL. IT WAS MY FAVOURITE 

peterparkour: what the sweet macaroni frick frack snick snack is a shawl

Steve Rogers: I-

peterparkour: oh sir im sorry for swearing sorry sir

givemeplums: smh

nat: Buck, he won't know what that means lmao

peterparkour: it means shaking my head, Mr America 

Steve Rogers: Why don't you just type that out? 

Mentor: christ, cap, brush up on ur abbreviations. 

Steve Rogers: ur? 

TheFalcon: oml...

Steve Rogers: oml? 

Mentor: .... shSJSKSK

TheFalcon: HAHAHAHA CLINT JUST FELL OUT THE VENTS AND FACE PLANTED ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER 

peterparkour: LMAOOOOO 

givemeplums: he knocked over my juice >:(

scarletbitch: oh, so he's in the kitchen huh? 

TheFalcon: shit. 

Steve Rogers: Sam!

TheFalcon: my apologies, cap'n. I meant shiz

peterparkour: oop u better run Mr Barton sir, wanda looks mAD  
she just stormed past n her eyes were all red n glowy! 

Mentor: pete where the hell are you? 

nat: he's on the ceiling in the corridor. 

givemeplums : wait Nat where are you then?? 

nat: in the main lounge. 

givemeplums: then how did..? 

nat: FRIDAY keeps me informed. 

peterparkour: ur kinda scary, miss Romanoff

nat: :(

peterparkour: in a good way! ur rly cool and intimidating and badass! 

nat: :)

Steve Rogers: I'm so confused

Mentor: oh for pete's sake 

peterparkour: ye for my sake 

givemeplums: you guys gotta come to the main floor, it's so funny 

peterparkour: omw!

Steve Rogers: WHAT DOES RHWT M3AN 

nat: you broke steve

Mentor: what's happening? im busy 

givemeplums: wandas dangling clint in the air and shaking him around so he'll drop her scarf thing 

scarletbitch: it's a fucking shawl 

peterparkour: yea u uncultured swine

givemeplums: ok first Pete you didn't even know what a shawl was, also, wanda is somehow managing to fuckin text at the same time as torturing clit. im impressed 

peterparkour: was that a typo? 

givemeplums: nope. 

nat: oh im so calling him clit now 

Mentor: hey kid, can you come down to lab 2 for a sec? I got something for you

peterparkour: of course, sir! 

Mentor: just call me Tony, kid. 

nat: ye, you don't need to be so formal all the time 

peterparkour: it is how I show my deep respect for my idols, ma'am

peterparkour: gtg, in lab now! 

nat: bye kid 

scarletbitch: clit has learned his lesson. 

scarletbitch sent a photo to the groupchat  
(photo is a selfie of wanda grinning with her rose pink shawl on, Clint spread-eagled on the floor behind her. bucky and nat are sat on the sofa to the right, also smiling at the camera.)


	2. life is pain and everything is meaningless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> scarletbitch: if you weren't so adorable I would lay you the fuck out, webhead
> 
> peterparkour: :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the battle of changing usernames!

peterparkour: ya'll are never gonna guess what happened

scarletbitch: oo what

peterparkour: no guess

scarletbitch: nien

peterparkour: vermuten

scarletbitch: WhA?

peterparkour: it's german u dumbass

scarletbitch sent a photo to the groupchat.   
(photo is wanda flipping off the camera) 

scarletbitch: if you weren't so adorable I would lay you the fuck out, webhead

peterparkour: :))

nat: guys, go to bed, it's 4am

Mentor: then why the hell are you up, ginge?

nat: im not ginger. and i could ask you the same thing, tin can.

Mentor changed peterparkour 's user to webhead

Mentor changed nat 's user to notginger

Mentor changed Mentor 's user to sleepdeprivedgenius

notginger: wtf

webhead: HOW DID YOU GET ADMIN PRIVILEGES MR STARK

sleepdeprivedgenius: im special that way.

notginger: getting back to the subject, wanda. peter. get some sleep

scarletbitch: ur not my mum.

webhead: we will riot til daWN! 

webhead : out of curiosity, why are you awake, miss romanoff? 

sleepdeprivedgenius: me and lady natasha are adults. we can die from lack of sleep if we wish to. 

webhead: !!!!?? 

notginger: btw pete if you call me miss one more time im gonna hide ur webshooters 

webhead: first, mean. second, clint would just find them for me 

Hawkeye: true. 

scarletbitch : clit where the hell did you come from? 

Hawkeye: just lurking. 

sleepdeprivedgenius changed Hawkeye's user to clit

clit: fFS

webhead: dammit mr stark! 

webhead changed clit 's user to AwesomeArcher

AwesomeArcher: I love you, kid

notginger: aww

sleepdeprivedgenius changed AwesomeArcher's user to assholearcher

assholearcher: i will find you, tin can. 

webhead: so ANYWAY

webhead: what i wanted to tell you guys is that mr stark majorly upgraded my suit! 

webhead: it has a little drone now, improved eye lenses, and these rly cool mechanised spider legs that pop out the back! 

scarletbitch : omg amazing! 

TheFalcon: What you gonna name the drone? 

notginger: nice of you to pop in, sam

TheFalcon: cuz my drone's called Redwing! 

notginger: why u awake? you have training with cap tommorow 

TheFalcon: the bloody notifications woke me up 

sleepdeprivedgenius: oops

scarletbitch: rip

notginger: speaking of rip, clit just dropped down from the vents above Tony in his workshop and started spraying him with silly string. 

webhead: SHSJAJAHAHHAAHSkksk

scarletbitch: SHSH

TheFalcon: R u down in the labs? 

notginger: nah i hacked into the live feed, watching it now. it's v entertaining, tony's chasing clit round the lab 

webhead: G O LD

scarletbitch: omg nat pls record the footage pls pls pls

notginger: ;)) 

(several hours later) 

webhead: life is pain and everything is meaningless 

scarletbitch: pete what's wrong?   
(10 mins later)   
scarletbitch: peter? 

notginger: i'll check on him

notginger: oml 

scarletbitch: he okay? 

notginger: he spilled coffee all over his homework 

scarletbitch: ohhhhhHhshs

notginger: he says its a project he's been working on with his freind ned for months

scarletbitch: oh damn. 

scarletbitch: i hope it's decaf, petey, ur energetic enough without caffeine 

sleepdeprivedgenius: I can cheer you up, spidey 

webhead: how? :(

sleepdeprivedgenius added Bruce to the chat. 

sleepdeprivedgenius: ;) 

webhead: oMG-

scarletbitch: wha? 

webhead: MR STSRK ARE U KIDDDING IS THAT AFTUALLY DR BRUCE BANMER.?? 

sleepdeprivedgenius: the very same. figured you'd like to talk to him 

Bruce: Hey. 

webhead: AAAAKSHSJS

scarletbitch: am i missing something? 

webhead: I haAVE SO MANY QUESTJONS

notginger: best to leave the nerds to it, wanda

Bruce: Shall we open a private chat so we don't bore the others? 

sleepdeprivedgenius: good idea, brucey. have fun, Pete 

webhead: AKSJSJSJSSJJSDSHJDNSJKsjdjsjKKwjsjj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tyy for reading :))


	3. movie night chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> webhead changed givemeplums' s user to jesus
> 
> jesus: what in the sweet everloving fuck-
> 
> scarletbitch: hHAAHAH
> 
> notginger: careful, buck, mr america will have your kneecaps
> 
> TheFalcon: Nat wtf?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoy!  
> there's some slight gay tension in the chat..

webhead has sent a photo to avengersASSemble  
(photo is a selfie of peter and wanda, holding Starbucks in the city)

webhead: Mr Stark gave us money for drinks! and we had a lot to spare so we bought some food for these homeless guys!

givemeplums: that is so cute

assholearcher: precious beans

sleepdeprivedgenius: ikr I'm pretty great

assholearcher: not you, metal man

notginger: make sure you're back at the compound by seven, guys

scarletbitch: ooo why

TheFalcon: movie night!

givemeplums: why is it starting at seven? tf

sleepdeprivedgenius: Well we're not gonna start the movie straight away... we'll need to handle introductions.

webhead: ??

scarletbitch: .??? 

notginger: peter's gonna love you, tony

sleepdeprivedgenius: he already does, thank you tasha

webhead: true

webhead: but who's coming?? 

sleepdeprivedgenius: ohh.. just a random dude... he may or may not have seven PhDs.. 

notginger: :))) 

sleepdeprivedgenius: Pete? you there? 

scarletbitch: i will respond in Peter's place as he is currently occupied 

scarletbitch sent a video to the chat  
(video is Peter jumping around screaming in glee in a park in the city while several people look at him in concern) 

givemeplums: oh bless him

sleepdeprivedgenius: wow. 

scarletbitch: he says it's just like meeting Tony and Steve all over again 

TheFalcon: Wow. Rude

Steve Rogers: Aww!1

webhead: SHSJSKSHAJ

webhead: its not that i dont love you guys too! it's just that Dr Banner and Mr Stark and Mr America were my childhood!! I grew up wanting to be like them! 

notginger: that is the cutest shit

Steve Rogers: Wait, Mr America? Haha

sleepdeprivedgenius: pete if you don't get yo ass back to base now there'll be consequences 

scarletbitch: you wanna hug him don't you

notginger: ofc he wants to hug him 

scarletbitch: peter just turned to me and smiled the biggest cutest smile I stg

notginger: awwW

assholearcher: While this is all adorable and heartening can you change my name, Stark? 

TheFalcon: way to ruin the moment, Clint

givemeplums: yea jeez way to be a asshole archer 

assholearcher: was that meant to be funny, buck? 

Steve Rogers: he's snorting quietly to himself next to me

webhead changed assholearcher 's user to legolas

webhead changed givemeplums' s user to jesus

jesus: what in the sweet everloving fuck-

scarletbitch: hHAAHAH

notginger: careful, buck, cap will have your kneecaps

TheFalcon: Nat wtf? 

jesus: steve just flicked my head ow

webhead: aww 

legolas: this is much better, thanks Pete 

webhead: :)))) 

sleepdeprivedgenius: where are we at with that hug, underoos? 

scarletbitch: we're nearly at the compound, chill spiderdad

jesus: HAHAHah

Steve Rogers: Hey guys please look where you're going 

sleepdeprivedgenius: yes who's gonna hug me if you get run over 

Steve Rogers: I'll hug you, Tony

jesus: the gay energy in here is deafening 

Steve Rogers: BUCK!!? 

sleepdeprivedgenius: WTF?? 

notginger: he ain't wrong 💅 

legolas: jesus speaks the truth 

scarletbitch: just a heads up, stark, peters barrelling towards the lab rn

TheFalcon: do you guys want sweet popcorn or sour popcorn? 

scarletbitch: what in the fuck-

Steve Rogers: There is no gay energy 

notginger: mm hmm

Steve Rogers: THERE'S NOT!! 

legolas: this chat is all over the place 

jesus: SWEET AND SOUR?? 

legolas: are you at the shops, Sam? 

TheFalcon: Ja

scarletbitch: ooh, German again

legolas: can you pick up some Ben n Jerry's? 

jesus: who's Ben and Jerry 

notginger: ....... 

legolas: wHAT

TheFalcon: What flavour? also we need to educate Bucky as soon as possible

scarletbitch: hey guys Bruce has arrived! 

legolas: EYY MA GREEN BOI

notginger: cmon Clint that's mean

TheFalcon: WHAT FUCKUNF FLAVOUR?? 

legolas: PHISH FOOD DUH

TheFalcon: I MEANT POPCORN I ALREADY KNOW YOUR PASSION FOR PHISH FOOD

jesus: what is happening 

Steve Rogers : OK Guys let's wrap it up, let's not be antisocial around Mr Banner. 

notginger: we're down on the main floor 

Steve Rogers: Coming

jesus: comin

scarletbitch: that's what she said

legolas: skjSJSJ

sleepdeprivedgenius: high five, red hoe. me and spidey on the way now

scarletbitch: yea omw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading x


	4. spiderdumbass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter gets hurt on patrol and asks his spider aunt for help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a little shorter, the next one should be longer tho :) enjoy!

(private chat)

webhead: hi miss romanoff, cn u do me a favour pls

notginger: sure, you okay?

webhead: can u pic k me up at (coordinates)

notginger: why can't you swing back to the compound? is everything okay?

webhead: nnot reallt

notginger: are you hurt? I'm on my way now

webhead: just a littlr

webhead: are u on ur motorcyle?? 

notginger: yep  
notginger: wait a sec, let me tell Tony

webhead: NO no ples dont he'll think ims failire

notginger: ok ok, but he won't, he thinks the world of you, kid

notginger: also you're typing all funny so im speeding up

webhead: judt shakung a little

notginger: where are you injured? stab wound?

webhead: mybe got shot a little bit

notginger: PETER

notginger: call me right now

[webhead has started a call with notginger]

(later in the day)

legolas to notginger: Hey nat where'd you go?? I set up the training room 

notginger: had to take spiderdumbass to the medbay

legolas : shit he ok

notginger: yeah, he got shot twice tho

legolas: fucking hell

legolas: it's lucky he's like even more powerful than cap

notginger: he's resting, but he didn't want me to tell Tony

legolas: well what are you gonna tell him when his beloved intern doesn't show?

notginger: you'll think of something x

notginger has left the chat.

legolas: il get u back for that tasha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who doesn't love auntie nat and her spiderchild  
> thanks for reading :))


	5. calm down spiderdad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> webhead: im sorry Mr stark
> 
> sleepdeprivedgenius : kid stop apologising u just need to understand that this entire team would stab themselves in the heart for you so try not to think crap like that yea
> 
> scarletbitch: i can confirm his words as gospel, petey
> 
> jesus: ill supply the knives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little more gay tension between tony n steve in this one  
> enjoy!

sleepdeprivedgenius: has anyone seen peter? he was meant to be here half an hour ago

TheFalcon: nope

Steve Rogers : He went out on patrol didn't he?

sleepdeprivedgenius: he's not answering my texts

legolas: he's fine

sleepdeprivedgenius:?? is he with you? he okay?

legolas: calm down spiderdad

sleepdeprivedgenius: well why isn't he in the lab? what's he doing??

legolas: uhh

legolas left the chat

sleepdeprivedgenius: wtf

sleepdeprivedgenius added legolas to the chat

legolas: fuck

Steve Rogers : Watch the language, and what's going on with Peter?

legolas: uhhhh.. hes with bucky

scarletbitch : I'm with bucky?

sleepdeprivedgenius: CLINT WTF IS GOIN ON

notginger: you're hopeless, clit

sleepdeprivedgenius: tasha do you know anything

notginger: okay. peter's in the medbay with me

sleepdeprivedgenius : WHAT??

notginger: he's fine he's fine! he just got injured on patrol and didn't want you to know because he thought you'd be disappointed

notginger: also clint im gonna sew prawns into ur blankets

Steve Rogers: That's ridiculous

legolas: ikr! just damn cruel 

jesus: he meant the fact that peter thinks we'd be disappointed, dumbass

sleepdeprivedgenius: tell Peter to buckle up cuz I'm gonna give him the biggest fucking hug he'll ever have.

Steve Rogers: Wait for me, I want in on the hugging action

jesus : that's cute. and steve gives amazing hugs so crawly's in for a treat

notginger: he's still unconscious but you guys can wait til he wakes up

TheFalcon: Steve and Tony just sprinted past the lounge heading for the elevator

notginger: what took them so long tho

TheFalcon: they're carrying a fuckload of snacks

jesus: aww

TheFalcon: I shouldn't laugh bc of the situation but Tony just tripped over a box of biscuits he dropped LOL

legolas: you can laugh, it was rly funny 

TheFalcon: hey bucky where are you rn?

jesus: training room w wanda

TheFalcon: you should join me and Clint in the lounge, we're gonna play Mario kart

jesus: oh sweet, we comin now

TheFalcon: sick

(several hours later) 

sleepdeprivedgenius: so, to conclude, peter has learnt his lesson

webhead: im sorry Mr stark

sleepdeprivedgenius : kid stop apologising u just need to understand that this entire team would stab themselves in the heart for you so try not to think crap like that yea

scarletbitch: i can confirm his words as gospel, petey

jesus: ill supply the knives 

notginger: ditto

Steve Rogers: We love you, kid! 

sleepdeprivedgenius: hey Rogers this kid is mine get ur own

legolas: oooo

notginger : why don't you share him 

TheFalcon: skskHSSHSJ

jesus: MMSHSHSH

webhead: RAYJRQGJHJHJRWRWHJHJ

sleepdeprivedgenius has kicked notginger from the chat. 

webhead: oh sir cmon! I don't mind 

webhead has added notginger to the chat. 

notginger: thanks pete

notginger: damn ya'll can't handle the truth 

Steve Rogers: I'm going to bed

jesus: YOU CANT HIDE FROM THE TRU TH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comment any reqs or more interactions I could add


	6. more username chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ceiling-dweller changed maximON's user to fucking awesome badass red sorceress
> 
> ceiling-dweller changed ceiling-dweller's user to badassspider2
> 
> fucking awesome badass red sorceress: oh heLL yEah 
> 
> old man: LMAOOOOO this is entertaining 
> 
> badassspider: you're my protégé now, peter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more username changing action. lots of copy n pasting for me. 😂  
> enjoy :))

webhead : im boreddd

TheFalcon: weren't you meant to be doing your homework?

webhead: yea but wanda keeps sending me videos of her and clint playing mario kart and it's me jealousss

notginger: aww

sleepdeprivedgenius: you can always help me work on my im suits, petey, but I'm sure you'll think of something to keep yourself amused

jesus: yeah he's got all that kiddy youth enthusiasm and creativity

webhead: i will shatter your kneecaps, old man

jesus: gasp

webhead changed jesus's user to old man

webhead changed Steve Roger's user to old man 2

old man 2: Mean.Why am I second??

sleepdeprivedgenius: i can do you one better, parker

sleepdeprivedgenius changed old man 2's user to capsicle

webhead: hAHAHA

webhead changed sleepdeprivedgenius's user to partner in crime

partner in crime: I'm honoured

old man: I, for one, am offended

webhead changed notginger's user to badassspider  
webhead changed TheFalcon's user to airborne douche

capsicle: Harsh.

airborne douche: WTF?

badassspider : thanks kid :))

badassspider : and sam , peter knows you were the one who ate his leftovers

airborne douche: ahhh.

webhead: >:(((

old man: aww its OK Pete il give you an extra serving tonight

webhead: thanks Mr Barnes sir! 

scarletbitch: omg what did i just stumble on

partnerincrime: you're not safe, witch

partnerincrime changed scarletbitch's user to maximON

maximON : not impressed. at least be creative

webhead changed partnerincrime's user to tincanmetalman

tincanmetalman: peTER

webhead: waNDA tOLd mE tO

capsicle: You guys text really wierdly.

old man: nah you're just ancient, steve

capsicle: Look at your own username, Buck

old man: touché

tincanmetalman changed webhead's user to ceiling-dweller

ceiling-dweller: um rude?

ceiling-dweller changed tincanmetalman's user to palladium prick

palladium prick: now THAT'S rude

maximON: hey pete gimme one

ceiling-dweller changed maximON's user to fucking awesome badass red sorceress

ceiling-dweller changed ceiling-dweller's user to badassspider2

fucking awesome badass red sorceress: oh heLL yEah 

old man: LMAOOOOO this is entertaining 

badassspider: you're my protégé now, peter

badassspider2: :)))!!! 

capsicle: Wanda's name is a bit long isn't it? And rude? 

badassspider2: oh sorry sir 

badassspider2 changed fucking awesome badass red sorceress's user to wickedwitch

palladiumprick : you think tHATS a mouthful

palladiumprick changed capsicle's user to StArSpAngledManWithApLan

wickedwitch: that's what she said 

badassspider: was jUST about to type that, dammit wanda

StArSpAngledManWithApLan: Really? 

badassspider2: don't worry Mr Captain sir 

badassspider2 has changed StArSpAngledManWithApLan's user to thecaptain

thecaptain: Much better! But Peter you really don't have to call me Mr Rogers or whatever

badassspider2 : what do I call you then? 

old man: call him Señor Shield

thecaptain: Bucky. Why.

airborne douche: HAHA THAT'S GREAT 

wickedwitch: hey buck we should start the sauce soon

old man: oh yeah good idea. omw

badassspider: okay I'll finish up training then 

badassspider2: OK so I didn't finish my frakkin homework but at least we had a good username battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	7. two powerful gay jackasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wanda goin thru it, natasha is a babe and Peter and wanda are hella gay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ready for some FLU FF  
> also teeny bitta angst  
> but it all good

badassspider2 changed badassspider2's user to yeeter

badassspider : :(

yeeter: srry got bored

yeeter: I still love you miss widow ma'am!

badassspider: :)

wickedwitch: wait Pete I thought you were out on patrol? you left an hour ago

yeeter : nothings happening, I've only stopped a couple of muggings

badassspider : that's pretty substantial, kid

yeeter: and why are u guys up at 3?go to bed jeez

wickedwitch: can't sleep

yeeter: wanna talk abt it? 

wickedwitch: nah 

yeeter: oop i can hear yelling, gtg

(private chat)   
badassspider to wickedwitch : hey you alright? 

wickedwitch: I'm fine 

badassspider : you sure? I don't mean to intrude but you know you can always talk to me right? 

wickedwitch : just memories yknow

badassspider : of sokovia? 

wickedwitch: i heard someone talking about the battle of sokovia today and I guess it just brought everything back

badassspider: im sorry, babe

wickedwitch: it's fine, I just need to toughen up

badassspider: that's not true at all. First, everyone has weaknesses and low points, it makes you human. and second, you're already really fucking strong anyway. you're handling it really well considering, love x

wickedwitch: jssj

badassspider: u good? 

wickedwitch : yea just emotional

badassspider : aww, want to come and sit with me? we could watch a movie. il kick Clint out of the lounge 

wickedwitch: if thats ok

badassspider: course it is, us girls gotta stick together ❤️

wickedwitch: ily nat

badassspider: aWWW ily too!! 

wickedwitch: :)) omw

(private chat)   
yeeter to wickedwitch: hey bro u good

wickedwitch: a lot better, thanks, nats looking after me :)) 

yeeter: aww yay! 

wickedwitch: how's patrol going? 

yeeter: w ell

yeeter: skJEJSJsj

wickedwitch: oh n o

yeeter: no no it's just hrhhbb

yeeter: maybe kinda this rly cute boy was maybe kinda nearly hit by a car and I maybe kinda swung in and carried him to safety maybe kinda

wickedwitch: oMG

yeeter: maybe kinda

wickedwitch: wait are u lgbt? 

yeeter: maybe kinda

wickedwitch: LMAO SAME

yeeter: aYYYYYyyYy

yeeter: two powerful gay jackasses shall unite to become even more gay and even more powerful

wickedwitch: nats looking at me funny cuz I'm laughing at my phone 

yeeter: she's probs straight, she wouldn't understand the complexity of queerness

wickedwitch: I wouldn't be so sure actually, I thought I saw her checking out a chick the other day

yeeter: tbh I do kinda get wlw vibes from her

wickedwitch: she was staring right at her ass I swear

wickedwitch: so was I, tbh 

yeeter: hHAHA

wickedwitch: u on ur way back to the compound? 

yeeter: I will soon, I'm just going back over the perimeter to finish up! 

wickedwitch: tbh ur so cool how are u texting tho? 

yeeter: I'm saying aloud what I wanna write and Karen sends it 

wickedwitch: Karen?? 

yeeter: the AI in my mask

wickedwitch: oh cool, now tell me more abt this dude

yeeter: all I know is that I saved him and when I was swinging him to safety he looked right at me the entire time and his eyes were so greEN and he was so cUTE

yeeter: and his accent was adorable and his hair was so curly and he smel l Ed re ally g oo Od

wickedwitch : tbh if there's a teen in this city that doesn't have a crush on spiderman, I'd be rly surprised 

yeeter: yea but spiderman, not peter

wickedwitch: bro, Peter fucking Parker IS spidey

yeeter: I guess. 

yeeter: I hope he thought I was cool

wickedwitch: Pete. ur the coolest person I know

wickedwitch: idk what id do without my spider bro! 

yeeter: omg wANDA x

wickedwitch: dumbass. 

wickedwitch: 💕💕

yeeter: n yeah I maybe kinda did a backflip when I was swinging away ;)) 

wickedwitch: you liTtle fliRT

yeeter: k im nearly home, where are u rn? 

wickedwitch: in the lounge with nat, we're watching little miss sunshine

wickedwitch: it's fucking hilarious 

yeeter: omg I wanna watch 

yeeter: but anyway yea later il tell u all abt him! 

wickedwitch: you better. I want all the deets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanda and peter are ultimate duo  
> also nat is so awesome I love her sm I stg
> 
> I'm thinking of including Bruce more next time? and maybe either exploring tony/steve a bit more or more bucky content


	8. sugar rush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeeter: IM FLYJNT MR STARK
> 
> yeeter: whEEeeEE
> 
> palladiumprick: oh dear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoy!

legolas sent a photo to avengersASSemble  
(photo is tony and steve in pj's, asleep on the sofa tony's cuddling into steve, who has one arm slung loosely round tony-  
wanda and peter are in the background, beaming at the camera, pointing at the sleeping heroes)

palladiumprick: dELETE THIS 

legolas : nyAHAH

palladiumprick: clit i stg i will have FRIDAY ban you from your room

badassspider: omg was that last night??

thecaptain: Oh no.

palladiumprick: kill me now

yeeter: aWWwwW

airborne douche : yep, these two sweethearts dozed off during our star wars marathon

old man: where were you, nat? 

badassspider: training

old man: that late? 

badassspider : yep

old man: badass

(later on) 

airborne douche: tony if you're planning on coming up to the main floor any time soon I'd delay

palladiumprick: is clint on the strip pole again

airborne douche: I-WHAT??! 

legolas: cmon dude that was oNE tiME

airborne douche: we are coming back to that. but no, peter and wanda and bucky are having a singalong and it's hurting my eARS

legolas: omg im omw

thecaptain: It's not a bad musical to be honest! 

airborne douche sent a video to the chat   
(video is peter and wanda standing on top of the table belting out WICKED lyrics into the hairbrush microphone that bucky is holding out) 

legolas: AAAA FAVE SONG FAVE SONG 

thecaptain: Dear lord. 

palladiumprick: queens

airborne douche: oh no clints joined in

airborne douche sent a video to the chat  
(video is all of them singing defying gravity, wanda levitating "elphaba" (peter) into the air, while the others screech lyrics) 

palladiumprick: OMG is that nat asleep in the background?? 

airborne douche: i dont think she's been having the best nights so it's good that she's catching some rest but for the life of me I don't know how in the world she can sleep through this 

thecaptain: It's Natasha's superpower. Other than being a badass spider, she can sleep anywhere. 

thecaptain :One time back in the day we were on a mission in Moscow and Nat slept for like 8 hours in a tree in the FREEZING COLD! 

airborne douche: lmao 'back in the day' ur so old

yeeter: THAJTS AMWSEWOME MISS WIFOW

palladiumprick: oh hello peter, how's the singing 

yeeter: IM FLYJNT MR STARK

yeeter: whEEeeEE

palladiumprick: oh dear

(later) 

badassspider: i just woke up and yes it's true i am awesome 

badassspider: I'm sorry I missed that tho aww

badassspider: thank u to whoever moved me to my bed

legolas: no worries, tasha

yeeter: I LOVE U TASHh

badassspider :..?love u too kid? 

airborne douche: he's not calling you Miss Black Widow ma'am Romanoff, somethings up

old man: lmao Peter's super hyper  
old man: Clint made the mistake of buying him and wanda a load of sugery shit 

thecaptain: It's a bit problematic, adorable as It may be. 

badassspider: awww sweet

old man: sweet is an understatement, spidey keeps looking at Steve in amazement and mumbling: "Mr America" 

yeeter: DO MOTt  
yeeter: nNOT

badassspider: bless you omg  
how's wanda doing? 

old man: she's passed out on the floor

badassspider: oml

old man: Peters currently trying to attempt a back flip off the ceiling but he's so sugared up he can't walk straight 

badassspider: that must be a fuckload of sugar for his metabolism 

thecaptain: Nat! language please 

badassspider: lmao shush old man2

palladiumprick:gasp

thecaptain: Hm. And yes it was a lot of sugar. Clint's hiding up in the vents 

old man:he's scared of the pandemonium he's caused

palladiumprick changed legolas's user to ventboi

ventboi: it's calm up here

ventboi: but I admit it does stink of metal 

old man: well duh

old man: OMG peter just called cap señor shield HAHAHH

ventboi: JJEHSUksjs

old man: hey nat, wanna go for a run? 

badassspider: m not rly in the mood  
badassspider: tmrw? 

old man: yeah sure  
old man: rest up, widow

badassspider: will do :) 

yeeter: cns I joni youna t?   
yeeter:jcoin

badassspider: join me? sure, im just reading 

yeeter: thsnnk yiu

badassspider: you okay?   
badassspider: spidey? 

old man: he just joined wanda on the floor  
old man sent a photo to the chat   
(photo is wanda and peter face down on the floor in the lounge, steve sitting on the sofa looking at them in fond exasperation) 

badassspider: ..... I'll come down 

thecaptain: Yes you're good at establishing order, thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading lads  
> comment any reqs for interactions you'd like


	9. screw it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter gets beat up by flash at school and hides it from the avengers.  
> also tony's a knob and he buys Netflix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a little different, there's stuff actually placed outside the chat this time
> 
> it's a bit angsty so oop

airborne douche: tony's an idiot

badassspider: we know

old man: was that news? or?

palladiumprick: rude

wickedwitch: lol

airborne douche: he bought netflix

ventboi: WHAT

airborne douche: i asked him if we could get Netflix on the TV and he said 'sure, birdface' which im still bitter abt

old man: hehe

airborne douche: and later im like opening the app and asking which account we should use and he's just like huh?

ventboi: wait omf

airborne douche: he LITERALLY

badassspider: oh christ 

airborne douche: BO U GHT NET F LIX

wickedwitch: skKHshsjskaJSSHSH

ventboi: shJjsh tONY

palladiumprick: YOU DIDNT SPECIFY 

thecaptain: Oh Tony

palladiumprick: it's fine it's fine pepper's sorting it out rn

badassspider: poor pepper. you dump everything on her 

ventboi: ur too rich for ur own good

palladiumprick: she knew what she was signing up for. 

old man: so have we got Netflix or

airborne douche: yea I made an acc lmao

yeeter: haha

wickedwitch: oh hey pete! school finished a while ago, you okay? 

yeeter: yep, been with ned

badassspider: do you want a lift home? I'm sorta nearby

old man: nat you're literally downstairs 

badassspider: shh 

palladiumprick: we'd do anything for spoodey

yeeter: no no it's okay I'm gonna keep hanging with ned for a bit if that's cool

badassspider: OK x

ventboi: Sam, you up for Mario kart? 

airborne douche: oh HELL yea

(later)   
wickedwitch to badassspider: hey tash I'm worried abt pete

badassspider: me too

wickedwitch: he stayed out really late and then went on patrol straight away, i didn't even see him when he got back

badassspider: he's clearly hiding something, but it isn't our place to intrude

wickedwitch: unless he's hurt! 

badassspider: come to my room and we'll talk x

wickedwitch : OK, comin

(laterer) 

badassspider to palladiumprick: Tony get your ass up to the main floor, stop ignoring FRIDAY

palladiumprick: I'm busy, triple agent

badassspider: this takes presidence

palladiumprick: what is it

badassspider: peter's hiding something and we're worried

badassspider: it's been 3 days, we've barely seen him, and when we have, he's got a hoodie pulled up over his head

palladiumprick: shit, do you think he's hurt? 

badassspider: I hope not, but I wouldn't put it past him to hide it from his teammates. he's got a serious esteem problem 

palladium prick: im heading up now 

(latererer) 

cursing, Peter crossed out the incorrect equations on his homework, trying to ignore the throbbing all over his body.   
Flash had cornered him after school a few days ago and had beaten him black and blue. Peter had refused to give him the satisfaction of hearing even the slightest cry of pain as Flash pinned him down behind the dumpsters and slammed his fists into him over and over. of course, being spiderman, he could have easily taken on ten Flashes, but when he was faced directly with the bully he just couldn't. he also couldn't risk his identity, but his legs and arms just didn't seem to work properly. so he lay there on the hard pavement as Flash kicked him in the sides and spat on him.   
"see you around, Penis" he had sneered, walking back across the parking lot.   
grimacing as the memory caused his aching sides to twinge, he threw down his pen in frustration. there was no point working if he couldn't focus

standing, he padded over to the mirror in his bathroom and tugged off his hoodie.   
he gazed at the sunken face in the mirror(he hadn't been sleeping well) and felt tears rise up as he took in the yellow bruise on the side of his forehead, and the badly sewn-up gash on his cheek.   
he was back to school tommorow, and since he was barely keeping his grim situation from the avengers, he didn't know how he was going to avoid the prying eyes at school. 

drying his eyes, he got to work adding another layer of light concealer to his face, hoping it'd help mask the injuries under his hoodie.  
tugging up his graphic tee, he groaned as he saw the damage on his side.   
he had hoped that the broken rib, as karen had informed him, would heal on its own, but he didn't think he could count on his spidey powers for everything.   
he jumped as FRIDAY spoke above him.   
"Supreme Boss and the rest of the team are requesting your presence in the main lounge, Spiderling"   
despite the situation, peter snorted at the names.   
"uhh i have a lot of homework, Fri" peter said.   
he couldn't face them. their disappointment. scrawny, pathetic peter parker who couldn't take down a single bully  
"The team is insisting that you join them, peter" the AI said, more softly this time, if tht was possible.   
shit, he thought. he really couldn't hide any longer. he'd been really lucky that he'd gotten away with being undiscovered for so long.   
he briefly wondered about pulling on his suit and leaving, but knew Mr Stark could probably track him easily.   
"Are you coming, Peter?" the AI chimed, interupping his manic thoughts.   
"uhh... yeah.." he said, glancing at the window.   
he pictured the looks of pity and disappointment on their faces, how upset nat and wanda would be...   
fuck.   
disconnecting his webshooters from his suit, he slid the window open, breathing in the cold night air and listening to the harsh noises of the bustling city.   
screw it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dUNNNN
> 
> thanks for reading, let me know what ya think below :))


	10. bloody spider!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat nodded, giving him a brief smirk.  
> time to get her motorbike out of the garage. she had an arachnid to find.
> 
> the team discover peter's done a runner. well, a swinger. ha i'm funny aren't i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k this is more angsty than I thought it'd be soz  
> also nat and bucky and wanda are so fucking protective they're like the ones that would beat the shit out of anyone who even looked at peter wrong.   
> wow, wonder what they'd do to flash huh...

badassspider to yeeter: hey kid are you coming?

an alert from FRIDAY made Natasha look up from her phone.  
"it seems Mr Parker has left the building" said the AI, and nat detected a slight hint of worry in the computerised surpisingly- realistic voice.  
Tony cursed and sprinted out of the room, presumably to try and track the spider, and nat met wanda's eyes as they shared a look of concern.  
"he could just be going on patrol" sam piped up from behind the counter.  
"he would have told us, he must have freaked when Fri told him we wanted to talk" nat said, her raspy voice laced with worry.  
wanda's eyes had started to glow red, presumably because of the worrying situation, and she leapt to her feet along with clint and nat.  
"we need to find him!" she exclaimed, nat noted how her accent was slightly more noticeable when she was struggling with emotions. bucky patted her on the shoulder, equally upset  
nat allowed herself to zone out from the conversation, and thought of the places that peter would possibly go to evade his teammates.  
she was interrupted from her thoughts, however, when tony burst into the room, with a frustrated cry of "bloody spider!"  
steve glared at him, and the engineer explained:  
"he's not wearing his suit, I can't track him!"  
clint returned from his room in his black gear, and started stringing his bow.  
"we don't need weapons, hawk face" said Sam from beside steve  
"he could run into trouble" clint grunted as he stocked his quiver  
wanda grabbed nat's arm, desperation on her face, the contact making natasha jerk slightly, despite their close relationship. "you know these things, nat. where would he go?"  
nat ran her hand through her red hair, and sighed. "I can think of four locations" she said tentatively.  
"great! let's go!" wanda said, tony nodding in agreement, and the two set off towards the window, clint heading toward the elevator, as he, unlike them, was not prone to the sky.  
"hey, he still could be patrolling or something" sam said, and steve reached out an arm to prevent clint.  
"let's not rush into this" steve said, but the assassin just rolled his eyes and continued to march towards the elevator.  
"screw your pep talks, cap" said bucky, speaking for the first time beside nat. his face was lined with worry.  
"nat!cmon!"wanda called impatiently from the window, and she nodded, hastening to join them.  
tony had suited up, and she pulled out her phone quickly, sending him the coordinates of the places she suspected he'd be.  
wanda had already launched herself out of the window, swirls of red propelling her into the night.  
"thanks, ginge. you'll be right behind us, I trust?" tony said through the suit.  
Nat nodded, giving him a brief smirk.  
time to get her motorbike out of the garage. she had an arachnid to find.

peter looked down at his phone, and felt guilt and worry deep in his stomach. he turned it off and set it down in the trunk next to him, shivering from the cool gusts of air from the night  
he had swung through the city aimlessly for a while, ignoring the stabbing pains in his side, uncomfortable without his suit. he had used his old, homemade suit for far longer than Mr Stark's fucking aWESoMe one, but he'd grown used to the many privileges it had, such as a built-in heater.  
the teen decided to go to one of his favourite chill out places, easily swinging in past the locked gate, and settling in the tallest tree.  
he could see the city lights blinking, his enhanced hearing was going slightly crazy with all the sounds, as Stark's suit had had an adaptation that allowed him to dampen or amplify his senses when they were too much or not focused enough, etc.  
his teeth chattered as he thought of what to do. there was nothing he could do.  
he was so stupid, god , what was he thinking? his friends must think he was fucking nutters, running off like that without his suit.  
a part of him wondered if it was really worth all the drama of hiding his injured state, as once it was revealed he could just get medical help and move on. but no. he was weak.  
they couldn't see him like this, so pathetic and hurt, what would they think?  
the rational side of peters brain was completely drowned out by the loud, mocking voice that always lived in the back of his head, bringing him down and increasing his doubts  
he lay his head back against the rough bark, and curled into himself. he didn't have enough webs to make himself a comfortable cocoon, so tree it was.  
god he really fucked up this time.   
he closed his eyes, clutching his side, and he drifted into an uncomfortable sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)) ❤️


	11. I'M NOT A FUCKING MONKEY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spider aunt and jesus find petey in a tree. wanda is fuckin worried. they're all fuckin worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we love our protective avengers! ❤️

Peter's spidey sense awoke him, the tingle in the back of his head and neck buzzing wildly, and he threw himself forward, flipping instinctively and landing in a higher branch.  
the pain flared up in his side again, and he stared groggily down at the ground where a drunkard had thrown a bottle at where his head used to be.  
groaning, he rubbed his face with a cold hand.   
the man below was cursing loudly at him, seeming to think the teenager was a monkey, that he should "get his own damn tree"  
Peter would have been amused if he wasn't frozen half to death, and in dizzying pain.  
another wave of nausea rolled over him, a product of not sleeping, not eating and not healing properly.   
ignoring the man, he looked around for his mobile. snatching it up, he turned it on the look at the time.  
he winced as a stream of messages and missed calls from his worried teammates flooded in. shit.  
"I'M NOT A FUCKING MONKEY!" he yelled down at the man, who had started to chuck cans at the injured teen  
he was such an idiot, running away like a coward because he couldn't face his problems.  
it was 1am, meaning he'd left the compound two hours ago. they must be so worried about him, the rational side of his mind thought.  
he felt guilty.  
maybe he should text wanda or nat or something, just letting them know he was okay.  
just when he was debating responding to one of the many messages wanda had spammed him with, he heard a familiar revving sound.  
glancing down from his tree, he saw the drunk man turn to the sound, and a sleek black motorcycle roared into the clearing, a redheaded woman and a man with longish-brown hair upon it.  
natasha dismounted, glancing up at the trees around her, while bucky kept an eye on the yelling man  
he heard bucky ask the man a few questions, and the man ceased screaming and pointed up at the tree that peter clinging to.  
shit. he sat back in the tree, out of sight, and yanked his hoodie up, drawing the strings tight.  
he had no idea what to do, would he run off again? he couldn't avoid them forever, was it really that big a deal?   
activating his webshooters, he prepared to jump out of the trunk and swing across the glade when he heard a soft "peter?"  
shit shit shit.  
peering over the edge of the branch, he saw that man staggering off, a few notes of money in his hands. bucky and nat were looking up at him, concern and sadness on their faces in the dark.  
"wanna come down, pete? it's cold out, we can go back to the compound" nat called gently, and bucky nodded.  
peter groaned. fine.  
he made sure his hood was tightly covering his forehead, concealing the worst bruise on his face, and ignoring another wave of nausea, he jumped down.  
usually, any other day, he would have easily landed in a crouch, but since his vision was already slightly shaky, he crumpled to the ground in a miserable heap in front of the assassins.  
cursing, he clambered to his feet, ignoring nat and buck's concern.  
he kept his head down, swaying slightly. it was only when nat said "маленький паук" softly, that he looked up hesitantly  
bucky gasped slightly, whereas nat, who'd already observed how peter had moved and how he angled his head away from them the past three days , just grimaced as her suspicions were confirmed  
she suspected he also had an injury on his side, from the way he was standing, curled into himself slightly .  
peter bit his lip, mouth opening to say some sort of sassy remark, but no sound came out. the pain.   
bucky was talking, but all he could hear was the static in his ears, and the world was tilting slightly .  
he felt a warm hand on his arm, steadying him, and the last thing he saw was a pair of worried green eyes before he blacked out.

thecaptain to avengersASSemble : We've tried Peter's friend, he says he hasn't seen him all night

wickedwitch: im just flying around looking for him 

palladiumprick: no sign of him so far

ventboi: yea we gathered 

palladiumprick: alright chill, leggy

ventboi: shut up, metal man

thecaptain: Guys! We're all worried, stop fighting 

palladiumprick: we are not fighting. we are snarking. 

airborne douche: is there a difference? 

wickedwitch: FFS SHUT IT AND LOOK FOR PETER 

old man : GUYS

old man: we got him.

palladiumprick: oh thank fuck

ventboi: thank god!

wickedwitch: is he okay? is he hurt? 

old man: we're by Delmars, I'm sat on the back of the motorbike carrying him. he's got a few bruises and scrapes, nat says he has an injury on his side as well

thecaptain: carrying him? 

old man: we found him in a tree in a park nat says he goes to sometimes. he was about to swing away but he came down to join us, then he blacked out 

wickedwitch: oh god, pete

old man: stark can you pick him up? he needs medbay fast

palladiumprick: on it, jesus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> motorbike tasha >>>
> 
> also apart from nat and clint, nat and bucky would be so op  
> thanks for reading! let me know what u think


	12. 👁️👄👁️

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> airborne douche: clint's spent the past hour making a little get well soon card
> 
> old man: aawwwWW
> 
> thecaptain: That's so nice, Clint!
> 
> badassspider: adorable
> 
> ventboi: aight calm your tits guys i just care abt the little dude
> 
> airborne douche: it has glitter n everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoy!

airborne douche: update on webs?

ventboi: yea how's he doin

palladiumprick: he's resting, he had some messed up ribs and slight infection in his cuts but other than that he's just really tired and malnourished

thecaptain: Oh shoot.

palladiumprick: you got that right, capsicle

ventboi: when can we see him?

palladiumprick: well bucky and wanda are watching over him now, they refused to leave

wickedwitch: yep

old man: never leaving him

ventboi: awww

ventboi: Tony are you not watching over your spiderkid

palladiumprick: I'm busy

badassspider: we're installing a tracker in pete's webshooters

ventboi: omg

wickedwitch: good. he's a twat.

thecaptain: Harsh, Wanda

old man: nah its chill, stevey, malice is how we show our love

airborne douche: fair

thecaptain: if you get tired, you could leave him for a few hours to rest yourselves

old man: nope

wickedwitch: nope

ventboi: hang on I'm gonna pop down

wickedwitch: oh good can you bring a pepsi

airborne douche: clint's spent the past hour making a little get well soon card

old man: aawwwWW

thecaptain: That's so nice, Clint!

badassspider: adorable

ventboi: aight calm your tits guys i just care abt the little dude

airborne douche: it has glitter n everything

old man: that is the sweetest thing dhdh

palladiumprick: legolas gone soft

badassspider: he was always soft to begin with

wickedwitch: shshHAHHAHAHA high five nat

badassspider: heehe

ventboi: shut up  
ventboi: do you want your Pepsi chilled or

wickedwitch: yea thanks, and bring two, buck's flagging

airborne douche: who the fuck would want pepsi that's not cold?

badassspider: a certain genius billionaire playboy philanthropist

old man: I am not flagging. also 👁️👄👁️

palladiumprick: shush

thecaptain: Buck what the hell does that mean?

badassspider: gasp

wickedwitch: gasp

airborne douche: gasp

ventboi: the cap'n hath sweareth! oh cursedeth dayeth

thecaptain: I'm so confused

badassspider: poor cap

old man: oh gotta go, Peter's waking up!

ventboi: I'M ON M WAY HES GONNA LOBR MY CARD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! if you have any requests for interactions let me know! ❤️


	13. I will shove my metal arm up your arse, birdhead x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> palladiumprick: wanda how the fuck do you get nat to be so nice to you
> 
> palladiumprick: the other day I asked her to move up on the sofa and she literally HISSED at me
> 
> wickedwitch: I'm special ✨
> 
> old man: she tamed her w flies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just more avngrs fam chaos  
> peter will be back next chapter!

wickedwitch sent a photo to the chat.  
(photo is bucky and wanda and clint all sat around peters medbay bed, all smiling at the camera. peter is covered in bandages but is doing a lazy peace sign, smiling faintly.)

badassspider: actually bless him

palladiumprick: shit we missing out

airborne douche: yo I thought he had super healing n shit? like even better than cap's?

old man: ye but yeeter here ain't been eating properly so his healing be fucked

palladiumprick: if I didn't love him with my whole heart I'd strangle the spider

badassspider: I'm coming down with snacks

wickedwitch: he's super out of it, but feel free to join us

old man: I think I need a nap

wickedwitch: could u bring pringles pls nat?

badassspider: of course x

palladiumprick: wanda how the fuck do you get nat to be so nice to you

palladiumprick: the other day I asked her to move up on the sofa and she literally HISSED at me

wickedwitch: I'm special ✨

old man: she tamed her w flies

badassspider: oi. jesus. go to sleep or il make you.

old man: heehee buzzzz

airborne douche: FLIES DONT GO BUZZ

old man: THEY LEGIT FUCKIN DO 

palladiumprick: oh god

airborne douche: NO THEY DONT THAT'S BEES

old man: I will shove my metal arm up your arse, birdhead x

thecaptain: Getting back to Peter.. he hasnt been eating?

airborne douche: force feed him pringles

ventboi: not cool man

badassspider: sam honey don't make me cut you x

thecaptain: Nat!

palladiumprick: IT'S NOT JUSR ME

wickedwitch: guys! it's not that peter doesn't WANT to eat!

airborne douche: it's not.?

wickedwitch: no! when he joined us he never had enough money to eat as much as he should, so it's been hard for him to adjust

wickedwitch: he's much better though, hes been slowly eating more and getting better but he told me some days he can barely eat anything, and as a result his powers don't work well

badassspider: mhm x

airborne douche: oh oop

wickedwitch: I feel bad for ignoring petey, ima put my phone down

badassspider: km nearly there

palladiumprick: you just left

badassspider: shortcut

palladiumprick: oh for fhcks sakr

ventboi: EYYYYyy

wickedwitch: AhaHaha nat just jumped down from the vent

thecaptain: Tash, you and Clint really are something, aren't you.

badassspider: ;))

wickedwitch: aww pete just conked out   
wickedwitch sent a photo to the chat   
(Peter asleep, clutching his pillow, nat and clint in chairs beside the bed, leaning into the frame with their thumbs up. wanda is on the bed with Pete, he's leaning on her) 

palladiumprick: fucking adorable 

thecaptain: Tones! also awww

airborne douche: aw

palladiumprick: btw as much as I hate you knobheads using my vent system, it is amusing when Clint faceplants

wickedwitch: not nat, tho. she couldn't not be graceful if she tried

palladiumprick changed badassspider's user to deathballerina

deathballerina: i'm not sure i'm comfortable with this

palladiumprick: oh shit sorry, red room

deathballerina: ye

palladiumprick changed deathballerina's user to arachnidassasin

arachnidassasin: hmm

ventboi: when peter wakes up he'll give her a good one

ventboi: actually let's hope Peter doesn't wake up cuz when he sees the msgs on this chat he'll kill us

palladiumprick: not my little spiderboy. worst he could do is pout

ventboi: Tony have you seen the boy's doe eyes??

palladiumprick: fair. anyway, I got work to do so let me know when the kids awake.

thecaptain: Tony's making peter something I bet

palladiumprick: mMhnm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! :))  
> also natasha is the most intimidating fight me


	14. do u want soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeeter changed airborne douche's user to birdhead
> 
> yeeter changed wickedwitch's user to elphaba
> 
> elphaba: :)) 
> 
> birdhead: I'm going to put you in the toaster you sticky little motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: woah it's a bit longer than I thought it'd be
> 
> wickedwitch : that's what she said

peter blinked open his eyes, noticing natasha had draped another blanket over him when he was asleep. he smiled tiredly and sat up carefully, not wanting to dislodge the sleeping sokovian beside him.  
"hey pete!" whispered a rough voice, and peter stifled a giggle when he leaned over and saw clint lying flat on the floor.  
nat was curled catlike on a chair beside the bed, also dozing peacefully.  
"clint, what the hell?" peter said in a hushed voice, grinning at the archer on the ground  
"my back ached in that stupid chair" clint hissed, and he got up clumsily, nearly bumping into the counter next to him, making peter go "shhhh!"  
"did you sleep well, kid?" clint asked, his voice gentle.  
peter nodded, and he winced as wanda stirred next to him.  
"feeling okay? any pain?" clint pressed.  
Peter shrugged, not wanting to draw attention to the throbbing in his head.  
"where'd bucky go?" he asked, trying to steer the conversation away from him.  
"for a nap" clint said airily, and peter felt his guilt building at how he'd probably been the reason for his tiredness  
"you know tony and steve'll probably want to talk about... you know." clint said, not unkindly  
peter looked down at the sheets. he wasn't used to talking serious stuff with the assassin, clint was more peter's goofy freind that shared his sense of humour  
"why didn't you tell us, kid? you really need to understand that we care about you and we're here for you." clint said gently.  
peter met the archer's eyes, and sighed.  
"it's just hard to believe that sometimes" he whispered. "like.. just.. i dont wanna let you down"  
clint nodded understandingly. "just know that you could never do that, pete. you're pretty awesome."  
peter scoffed, then jumped as a grumpy wanda yelled right in his ear: "YOU ARE, YOU DUMB THOT!"  
peter nearly toppled off the covers in shock, clint was on the floor laughing, and natasha glared sleepily at them.  
"what the fuck?" nat asked moodily, rubbing her eyes.  
"sorry red, petey here was being self-deprecating." wanda deadpanned over the sound of clint wheezing on the floor.  
wanda and nat called each other red, it was their own little thing (tony had once called natasha red, but learned his lesson after wanda dangled his coffee above his head with her magic)  
"was not!" peter huffed. "it's my humour!"  
natasha gave him a sceptical look, and he rolled his eyes.  
"yo, b-slice, you good?" nat called. clint had resumed in his laying on the floor.  
"yep" he replied cheerily, face-down.  
wanda snorted. "b-slice?"  
"right, I'll text tony that you're up, steve will probably want a team meeting as well" natasha said, and looked at the teen sympathetically as he gulped.  
"tony's gonna be mad" peter said quietly. wanda put an arm round him, careful not to jostle his healing wounds. "he's never mad at you, peter"  
"then why didn't he come to see me?" peter demanded.  
"tony's been...working on something.." clint said, voice muffled.  
natasha kicked him, and he yelped.  
"that is... something that's.. not important.." he said weakly.  
peter looked at wanda, confused, but she was staring determinedly at the ceiling. she was shit at lying.  
peter grabbed his phone from the table, looking fondly at the card beside the lamp that clint had given him 

yeeter to avengersASSemble: what's tony doing?

thecaptain: Peter! Hey!

airborne douche: EYYYY PETEYYY

old man: oop he knows

yeeter: what do I know

palladiumprick: i stg plum boy shut your fuckin mouth

thecaptain: Tony, come on. Peter.

palladiumprick: ah yeah. peter

yeeter: oops

palladiumprick: it's more than oops, petey. it's oops with an !! 

yeeter: oops!! 

palladiumprick: better.

old man: nah you need at least three. 

airbornedouche: i-

thecaptain: ..... 

palladiumprick: now get your stupid frikkin dumb arse down to lab 3 now.

palladiumprick: only if you feel well enough, of course x

old man: lmao stark only has 2 moods to dealing w spidey

yeeter: yeah OK, but nat wants me to change her username first 

yeeter changed arachnidassasin's user to mama spider

wickedwitch: omg pete

old man: does she like it? 

wickedwitch: considering she tackled peter in a hug, I'd say yes

wickedwitch: HAHA NOW THEYRE WRESTLINF

wickedwitch sent a photo to the chat  
(photo is peter and nat on the floor laughing, looking mid-fight. clint is on the floor next to them, still face-down.)

palladiumprick: nATASHaA

airborne douche: oh boy

thecaptain: Mind Peter's injuries, he's healing! 

old man: what the fuck is clint doing

wickedwitch: he's vibing.

old man: i always wondered why he lies on the floor all over the compound

palladiumprick: nat I swear to fucking god

airborne douche: careful, tash, tony's eyes are red with fURY

wickedwitch: RELAX! JESUS CHRIST 

old man: u called

wickedwitch: i dont know how but she managed to somehow hug him aggressively without hurting him

yeeter: guys I'm fine omg, just teensy bit headachey

old man: do u want soup

airborne douche: what the fuck

airborne douche: ow 

wickedwitch: bucky wtf

yeeter: ow? 

airborne douche: stevey flicked my head

thecaptain: Cussing is for losers 

yeeter: hehe

old man: HAHhha

yeeter: mr barnes sir why would I want soup

old man: head hurty, soup slurpy

mama spider: i-

yeeter changed old man's user to soupslurpy

soupslurpy: vibes are impeccable

airborne douche: ooh peter do me! 

yeeter changed airborne douche's user to birdhead

yeeter changed wickedwitch's user to elphaba

elphaba: :)) 

birdhead: I'm going to put you in the toaster you sticky little motherfucker

mama spider: just you try, you feathery fuck. i'll impale you with a rake

elphaba: jshjAHa

yeeter: awww nat :) 

birdhead: im afraid 

soupslurpy: u should be 

palladiumprick: ignoring the insanity, peter, you comin? 

yeeter: depends

palladiumprick: on? 

yeeter: on whether you're gonna like take my suit away or something 

palladiumprick: WHAT THE FUCk PETER

birdhead: PETE

thecaptain: Don't be silly, Peter! we're not going to punish you, we were so worried! We love you, kid! 

elphaba: yea don't be a nonce, pete

yeeter: HSSHJSJKSJD awwww... 

yeeter: love u too wanda

elphaba: <3 

soupslurpy: mr america do be spittin facts doe

palladiumprick: prefuckingcisely. now get your skinny little arse down to lab 3 before i drag you down here. we're gonna hug u til u can't breathe u rat

palladiumprick: also take some paspirin if your head hurts too much, yeah? 

yeeter: lmao im ok thanks sir, me and the others are comin now

palladiumprick: oh dear my lab will be overrun 

soupslurpy: paspirin? 

palladiumprick: peter aspirin. peters special meds we made for his metabolism. paspirin. 

elphaba: that's a shit name. 

palladiumprick : fuck off, artichoke

elphaba: jdhj

mama spider: is everyone else in the lab? 

thecaptain: it's just me, tony and sam

yeeter: your doritoness sire, whereth is mr barneseth? 

soupslurpy: mr barneseth is locatedeth at the shopseth. plumseth aren't going to buyeth themselveseth

elphaba: dORitoNEsS

thecaptain: Please just call me Steve, you endearing little wierdo

yeeter: no can doeth, your highness :) 

soupslurpy: god I missed you, kid

palladiumprick: well the twat with the metal limb is invited to attend the ever so wholesome gathering that has accumulated in my workspace

yeeter changed soupslurpy's user to plumboi

ventboi: ayyy buck we the bois! 

yeeter: hang on  
yeeter changed birdhead's user to birdboi

birdboi: eEYOOO

mama spider: cute

palladiumprick: this is giving me heart palpitations. im ordering pizza

yeeter: oo thank you sir! we're nearly there :)) 

palladiumprick: goddammit is that all the ruckus I'm hearing?? you're in the bloody vents again? 

mama spider: ;)) 

elpaba: who the fuck says ruckus

palladiumprick: don't make me melt you, little frog. 

elphaba: he'll run out of Wicked-themed insults eventually 

ventboi: heeheeh

yeeter changed palladiumprick's user to stressd

stressd: accurate. btw steve and sam are betting on which one of you is gonna faceplant.

birdboi: aaaand thE RESULTS ARE IN!! 

plumboi: CLINT CLINT IT WAS CLINt

birdboi: you are correct, my holy hermano. natasha ofc elegantly dropped down and rolled like the badass she is, and peter just walked across the ceiling like a boss

plumboi: iconic. are his powers better then? 

birdboi: getting stronger apparently!

plumboi: yesss

birdboi: I gotta go clnit is tryning t takr my pjone

plumboi: I'm on my way back! 

yeeter: eyy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading n all that jazz, i was thinking of putting Bruce back in soon! 
> 
> also I wonder what tony's making Peter, huh...?
> 
> also also, scarlett johannson can sing? like she wrote 'song for jo' and its rly nice? like I fell asleep to it, it's so calming


	15. bonky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> palladiumprick: SOME of us are busy bees, thank you bonky
> 
> plumboi: b u s y b e e s
> 
> basically Peter's suspicious, clint's hungry, natasha is observant and spidey seems to have lost his bag for some reason..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy muthafuckas
> 
> or else.

yeeter to elpaba: what the hell is tony planning?! im sc a R ed

elpaba: fuckin drama queen

yeeter: wANdA tElL mE   
yeeter: aussi we all know the real queen is rihanna

elphaba: tru

yeeter: but fr tel me   
yeeter: tony won't let me in lab 2,it's so suSPICIOUS 

elpaba: heeheee  
elphaba: hey wanna get lunch with me and buck?

yeeter: BRUH DONT TRY J DISTRAXT M E  
yeeter: but yes pls! :)   
yeeter: can we get Wendy's 

elphaba: boi we gotta get you sum real food   
elphaba: ever heard of something called a sandwich?

yeeter: shut ip

elphaba: ip

yeeter: DHDJSK

yeeter: are we getting a cab or

elphaba: u serious? course not, buckys driving us on his motorbike

yeeter: i thought motorcycles were nat's thing th o

elphaba: nah he got a lamer one, now their bike buds, they're very proud

yeeter: ah sick

thecaptain to avengersASSemble: Hey guys, meeting at 7.00 in room 60

elphaba: oo what for

plumboi: why so late ew

palladiumprick: SOME of us are busy bees, thank you bonky

plumboi: b u s y b e e s 

elphaba: WHAT FOR?? 

mama spider: peter's training

yeeter: o H? 

palladiumprick: oh yeah, kid, since you're out of school soon you'll have more time so we thought you could train with natasha and b onky

plumboi: :)

yeeter: OMG SICK

elphaba: yea! we can even train together sometime

yeeter: oh babes im so gonna kick ur tush ✨ 

elpaba: dahling, u will be begging for mercy 💅

thecaptain: ??

ventboi: I'm hungry

mama spider: clint  
mama spider: you are alw a ys hungry

yeeter: mr clit u can get lunch with us if you want!

plumboi: ya yee

mama spider: we would, pete, but we're up to our ears in reports for SHIELD

ventboi: :/

yeeter: i can always bring you back something! I think we're going to that little diner by oscorp

ventboi: OH FUCK YES ok I want a large fries, a banana and kiwi smoothie, a chicken and bacon sandwich, nat what do u want? 

mama spider: CLIT you can't ask em to bring back all that

palladiumprick: greedy bastard

birdboi: bAnANa aNd kiWi??! 

thecaptain: I don't approve of all the swearing but that diner does do really nice fries! 

ventboi: THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH BANANA AND KIWI fite me m8 

plumboi: oh hell we gettin a fuckload then aren't we

ventboi: well yea we heroes innit

mama spider: you're not even enhanced 

ventboi: tash shut up they're getting us food

elphaba: u guys could just... order... food?..

thecaptain: There's an idea.

yeeter: HshshHAHA

palladiumprick: ya'll are exhausting.  
palladiumprick: also get Thai.

plumboi: ur paying tho, right, tony?

palladiumprick: obvs

yeeter: :)))!!

yeeter: oh yeah that reminds me, would it be okay if I maybe got a new backpack? just a cheap one

palladiumprick: ofc u sticky prick

mama spider: peter, considering stark bought fucking Netflix without realising an error, I think a backpack's okay

birdboi: what happened to your old one, Pete?

yeeter: it broke

elpaba: how the fuck-

thecaptain: Wanda!

elpaba: soz cap'n. awaiting orders

yeeter changed plumboi's user to bonky

bonky: i have conflicting emotions  
bonky: on one hand, I want to throttle the kid, on the other, I want to continue letting him stick magnets on my arm

bonky sent a photo to the chat (photo is buckys metal arm, with some little magnets including a banana, a waffle, and a tiny spider) 

mama spider: bless! omg

elphaba: can peter get any cuter 

plumboi: if that's possible id be surprised   
plumboi: also can we go now im hungry

ventboi: finally, a man who understands my pain 💕

mamaspider: clit get off ur phone

ventboi: UR LITERALLY ON URS

mama spider: hush

thecaptain: Yeah you guys should probably get back to work.

ventboi: shshkks buzzkill

(later)   
mama spider to yeeter: hey im sorry to hear you lost your bag, didn't it have cool patches on it and stuff? 

yeeter: yea it's fine though 

mama spider : are you sure? x

yeeter: yep

mama spider: bc vibes are off rn

yeeter: I gtg, ttyl! 

mama spider: pete....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ofc I included a reference of when tom holland lip synced rihanna in drag. most attractive thing ive ever seen apart from like every actress in mcu..] 
> 
> mama spider is worried... i wonder how petey lost his bag hmm  
> he can't lie for shit lol


	16. señor shield loses his frisbee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bucky and natasha suspect. steve loses his frisbee. peter opens up to his spider aunt about being bullied.
> 
> also introducing mj and ned! :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorrry I got confused last chapter and forgot Peter renamed plumboi bonky lol
> 
> also angsty so b e w a R e

bonky to mama spider: hey do you think it's wierd how peter acted last night when I brought up his backpack?

mama spider: i have suspicions, i also was singing kareoke with clint but i think i noticed how stiff he was

bonky: ye ye cuz I was like hey kid it must've been a bummer bc he spent ages collecting those avengers patches (adorable)  
bonky: and he was rly like shifty

mama spider: he's a shit liar. he also had a little keychain that he was very fond of. it would have meant something to him  
mama spider: also we all know he has a tendency to keep things from the team... 🙄

bonky: little bugger

mama spider: it could be nothing, but he's acting almost guilty

bonky: hmm  
anyways i gtg, sam and steve are being idiots

bonky: but you could talk to him. he looks up to you x

mama spider: aww

bonky: by looks up to you I mean he literally thinks the sun shines out your arse

mama spider: ...  
anyway yea OK il try. i hope I don't scare him away tho

bonky: I'd say there's like a 50/50 chance

mama spider: ... that's awfully inspiring, thanks plums

bonky: yw xx

(later)

"SAM GIVE ME BACK MY SHIELD!!"  
peter snorted as he heard steve and sam sprint past his door, sam laughing loudly.  
he shook his head fondly, and picked up his phone. 

yeeter to peter parker's an escort:

yeeter: dammit MJ stop changing the chat name

guyindachair: she won't stop

mj: fuck you

yeeter: :-{

guyindachair: how's the compound? is captain america with u? can I see?

yeeter: Steve's chasing Sam cuz he stole his shield

guyindachair: I can't beleive you're literally on first name basis with the avENgErs 

yeeter:ned  
yeeter: i AM an avenger 

guyindachair: nah ur just ol peter shmeeter parker

mj: steal the frisbee

guyindachair: MJ  
guyindachair: IT'S LITERALLY CAPS SHIELD SHSHDKD

yeeter: I'm so gonna change caps name in the chat to frisbee or something now

mj: good. twat. 

guyindachair: NSHSHKDJSJSHksk

yeeter : love you too

yeeter to avengersASSemble: has señor shield recovered his beloved disc yet

bonky: nope

palladiumprick sent a video to the chat. (video is taken from the security cameras: clint and sam are hiding in the vent, giggling out of the open hatch at an angry steve) 

yeeter: aWWww

bonky: poor guy

yeeter changed thecaptain's user to ilostmyfrisbee

elphaba: HSHhhnsjHAHA

palladiumprick: oop  
palladiumprick: damn

yeeter: what? 

palladiumprick : cap did some crazy supersoldier move and like vaulted off the wall and into the vent fuckin hel l

yeeter: bADASS

"hey kid"  
peter looked up from his phone, seeing natasha dressed in sweats and a hoodie, leaning against the doorframe.  
"hey" peter said, smiling nervously. he hadn't exactly been avoiding the assassin, he just had been reluctant to talk to her considering she suspected he was hiding something. which he totally wasn't. 

"so... how you doing?" natasha asked tentatively, not wanting to scare the kid off.  
"I'm fine, i feel great, I've been better.." peter looked down and fiddled with his sleeves "with my eating n that, and yeah"  
nat nodded slowly, her easygoing smile becoming more of a facade as she pondered his words.  
she'd been trained to read body language. she definitely knew there was something he wasn't saying. was it her place to poke tho?  
"that's great. how are your injuries coming along?" 

peter couldn't help his slight flinch at her mention of flash's attack, but recovered quickly. "yeah, yeah,fine. don't hurt anymore, it's all good" he stammered.  
natasha nodded again.  
she walked over and sat next to him on the bed, crossing her legs and sighing  
"kid. i couldn't help but realise you never actually told us how you got hurt." natasha said softly. 

peter's face paled, and the redhead felt sadness as her suspicions were confirmed  
"this wasn't patrol, pete. you would have told us if it was, but you're not exactly a good liar..." she said, and he snorted humourlessly. "who hurt you?"  
peter shook his head, eyes starting to brim with tears. he wiped his face furiously. "i can't- you can't know, it's not -"  
"hey, hey, hey" nat said calmly, resting gentle hands on his to prevent him from scrubbing at his face. "it's okay, it's okay" 

peter let her pull him tenderly into a hug, he leaned into her and relaxed, letting his tears drip down his cheeks onto his pyjamas.  
natasha held him, putting a lid on her own emotions to focus on the young hero. she was furious that someone had hurt her little spider, but she needed to keep it together for peter.  
she waited patiently, knowing when he was ready he'd talk. 

she looked up as a sweaty-faced clint arrived at the door, bearing drinks. he froze when he saw peter in distress, nat comforting him.  
peter didn't notice the archers arrival, he was still crying into natasha's grey hoodie.  
nat made a subtle shooeing motion, and clint backed away down the corridor, nodding in understanding. 

"his name is flash" peter's voice was squeaky and wobbly from his tears.  
"well, technically his n-name is eugene" he said, laughing bitterly.  
nat hummed for him to continue  
"hes been.. teasing me for a long time now, since kindergarten, really. he's a dick, nat, he really is an asshole."  
nat held the boy tighter at his wavering voice.

"and..its been getting worse and i was just.. walking out of school when flash grabbed me and... d-dragged me over to the dumpsters and j-just started hitting me" peter choked. "a-and I'm so sorry because I should just fuckin stand up for myself b-but I just can't-"  
natasha felt burning anger race through her as she sat there cradling the young teen who apparently thought he was a failure.  
nat gently moved round so he was facing her, and titled his head up.  
" listen to me, little spider. I am so so sorry that you've had to endure this for so long, but you've been so strong and we're so fucking proud of you." she said, emotion seeping into her usually calm voice.

natasha continued to comfort and reassure the boy for another hour. she felt glad that the kid was clearly happier at having told someone, but she was finding it difficult to suppress the boiling rage in her gut that was close to making her trained fists shake with anger.  
"now. this eugene. any chance you know his address?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oOOooOoh nat eez not a happy bunny.
> 
> any preferences on who is protective of petey? im thinking his witchy friend, his spider mentor and the metal-armed jesus but open to suggestions :))
> 
> I'm aware this is slowly becoming less of a chat fic... :/ oops lol


	17. bonjour haricots verts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter tells the team. they're angry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no actual chattage(that is now a word okay) in this chapter but introducing pepper!
> 
> also stony is unmatched. and steve's an excellent cuddler

"he wHaT??"   
peter cringed as his sensitive ears heard clint yell at the top of his lungs.  
he was sat on the main sofa in the lounge, natasha stood behind him with a comforting hand on his shoulder. they were facing the rest of the team, all grouped around with faces of anger.

clint continued to shout angrily for a few minutes until nat calmed him down.  
"hey, guys, we need to be civil about this. I know we're angry, as we fucking shOULD bE-" nat's voice was cold. "but this is peter's situation, he decides what to do"  
peter looked up at the woman gratefully   
"but! he shouldn't have to deal with any of this! that motherfucker stupid ass-" clint started, but nat silenced him with a look.

"why didn't you fight back, pete?" wanda asked gently, her face impassive but furious inside.  
peter took a deep breath before answering.   
"I just- he's always done this, for so long he's had power over me and even when I got my abilities i still felt so small and weak.. a-and im sorry I couldn't be b-better-"  
as the brown-haired teen's voice started to shake with emotion, the team felt their insides twisting painfully at his state   
" that's bullshit, kid! "sam practically yelled, causing wanda to glare at him, red flashing in her eyes.  
"son, I'm sorry for how angry we are, we just care about you, and I think I speak for all of us when I say I want to shove my shield down his throat" Steve said coolly. the others murmered in agreement.   
steve walked over and hugged the boy gently. 

wanda looked surprised at steve's aggressive exclamation.   
"cap doesn't like bullies" bucky explained.   
"that's a bit mild, Buck" steve said, voice muffled.   
peter giggled slightly, tension waning in the room.   
"i think you'd be letting the kid off lightly, spangles" tony said stiffly.   
the mechanic hadn't spoken since natasha had told the team who had attacked their spider, and peter was starting to worry as tony was never usually silent. it couldn't be good.   
peter glanced at the man pleadingly, and he looked at the boy, expression softening.   
"please don't do anything stupid" he said quietly to tony, who clenched his jaw. he wished he could be as calm as steve was 

clint started protesting, at least keeping his voice down. wanda turned in her seat to argue with the furious archer, gesturing towards peter.   
peter allowed himself to zone out as the team's angry conversations overlapped, the only thing grounding him natasha's gentle hand on his shoulder.   
he put his head in his hands, oblivious to blue eyes watching him carefully 

bucky noticed peter's evident distress and decided to intervene.   
he caught nat's eyeline, and nodded to peter. she instantly stopped talking heatedly to steve and sam, leaning forward and whispering a few words to the young spider.   
a few moments later, the arguing died down and all eyes were on peter, something he wasn't fond of.   
"c-can we please talk about this tommorow?" the boy asked quietly, dragging a hand through his tousled hair. 

clint opened his mouth angrily, but noted the exhaustion in peter's face, and closed it again. 

peter let himself be dragged off to his room by bucky and nat, who both insisted upon accompanying him  
the spider heard bucky and nat talking quietly in russian outside his room as clear as if they were speaking into his ears.   
though what they were conversing about was probably grim, it was comforting to listen to, and he soon fell asleep. 

"tony. you can't"   
"the fuck I can! i'm gonna blast that kid into tommorow, the fucking weasel-" tony spat through his iron man helmet   
as soon as peter and 2/3 of the assassin posse had left, tony had summoned his suit immediately, shaking with rage.  
"what the hell did peter JUST say, huh? don't do anything stupid!" wanda said, crossing her arms. 

the suit clanked as tony paced, his hands itching to fire his repulsors.   
"he's been hurting our kid for fucking years, wanda, and you expect me to just sit here?"   
he retorted.   
"stark, we're all angry, okay, but we need to think about peter" sam said loudly.   
"the fuck do you think I'm thinking of? oh fuck this. fucking bullshit" tony growled, stomping off to the bar, where he deactivated his suit and started rummaging behind the counter.   
steve winced at tony's language, but followed the man. 

tony muttered angrily as he poured himself a generous amount of whiskey.   
steve walked up to him and leaned on the counter.   
"tones" he murmered quietly.   
the genius was taken aback by the change of tone in the situation, and looked at the blonde warily.   
"I just... he doesn't... why did... little bugger.." he rambled in his gruff voice, downing glass after glass. 

"peter's okay, tony. he's fine, we can ensure that bastard never touches our spider again" steve said calmly, placing a warm hand on tony's trembling arm.   
tony nodded tiredly, and continued to drink from his glass like it was his lifeline.   
steve sighed and ever so carefully pushed tony's glass back down onto the counter. 

"cmon, tony, il make you some tea" steve offered, desperate to help the man.   
tony scowled, and for a moment, steve thought he would hit him or something.   
he didn't expect the unshaven man to hurl himself at the soldier, wrapping his arms around steve tightly. 

thank god that steve was literally a walking, talking mess of muscles, otherwise they both probably would have tumbled to the floor in a tangle of limbs

steve was surprised, but smiled softly, hugging tony back.   
"tony?" came a female voice from behind them.   
tony jumped out of steves arms, face red from both drinking and embarrassment.   
"ah yes, pep" he stammered, attempting an airy sort of coolness but not quite succeeding.   
pepper strode over to the tipsy hero, handing him some papers while also looking around in confusion.   
"you guys okay? what's up?" she asked worriedly, noting tony's iron man suit standing eerily nearby, and the sam, wanda and Clint arguing over by the couches. 

steve sighed. "you know when peter got hurt a week ago?"   
pepper nodded solemnly, glancing back at tony when he huffed in irritation. "what about it?"   
"apparently he was beat up by a kid who's been bullying him for pretty much his whole life" steve uttered, the anger starting to come back.   
pepper's face fell. "oh, fuck"   
steve would have reprimanded her, but it wasn't the time. he agreed wholeheartedly. 

pepper turned to tony, who was slashing a pen across the papers, signing probably-very-important documents carelessly. she noticed his trembling hands and bloodshot eyes.  
"well,what can we do about it?" pepper asked sadly.   
steve shook his head, explaining peter's wishes.  
as he explained the details, pepper's face grew tighter and colder.   
"oh I'm gonna beat the shit-" 

she was cut off by tony shoving the papers at her before striding off. "i need to finish my little project as soon as I can" he said gruffly over his shoulder. he walked to the counter, picking up his ringing phone.   
"bonjour haricots verts" he said into the phone.   
"kind of a difficult time but what's up?"

steve watched as Tony turned back around, smiling wanly.   
"pep! can you prepare thor's room for tommorow?" he asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooOoOOoh...  
> i wonder how peter will react to meeting thor huh?
> 
> also haricots verts is green bean in french, tony's delightful term of endearment for his science bro.   
> if the french is wrong, sue me, i failed the bleedin subject.


	18. fruit platters = heterosexuality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thor arrives!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bon appetit

bonky to ilostmyfrisbee: peter's asleep, how's it going out there?

ilostmyfrisbee: It's fine. Sort of. Tony's not handling it very well but I don't think any of us are.

bonky: oh yeah. shit.

ilostmyfrisbee: Language.  
ilostmyfrisbee: But I think Thor is coming tommorow?

bonky: omg petey's gonna go nUTS

ilostmyfrisbee: I hate to say this but maybe Peter would be distracted with Thor so we could do a background check on this flash guy?

bonky: i mean. idk. peter rly doesn't want us to meddle

bonky: hang on il add nat

bonky added mama spider to the chat.

mama spider: hello

mama spider: ah. yeah cap we can't really go behind peter's back can we?

ilostmyfrisbee: I think it wouldn't hurt to check up on the kid to just see the dangers and things. If we know where he lives, that might be useful for future.

mama spider: damn

bonky: it's our job to protect him isn't it? him being literally in high school and also our teammate, kinda

mama spider: ..... as much as i want to throttle the wanker that did this to our kid, I also really don't want to go against his wishes

mama spider: brb wanda just came in

bonky: steve. is tony gonna yeet out of here anytime soon?

ilostmyfrisbee: Yeet??

bonky: oh dear lord you fossil. i mean is tony a flight risk do you think

ilostmyfrisbee: Oh. I don't think so, he was really mad but I think he's calmed down enough to not do anything rash.

ilostmyfrisbee: He's in his lab, working on PP

bonky: steve honey don't type it like pp

bonky: just call it project peter

ilostmyfrisbee: OK.  
ilostmyfrisbee: Can I come and hang? 

bonky: ye ye sure, come join. nat's making hot chocolate i think. we're gonna stay in peter's room i think, just in the lounge in case he wakes up and thinks he has to run away again. nat's idea

ilostmyfrisbee: Good good. I'll be up soon, I'm just going to check on Tony real quick, he doesn't take care of himself down in his lab.

bonky: oOoOh  
bonky: checking on him are we ;)))

mama spider: eYy cap'n

ilostmyfrisbee: What??

mama spider: oh bless him  
mama spider: never you mind, stevey, just go and give tony a nice cuddle

ilostmyfrisbee: He is nice to hug, to be honest

bonky: i-

ilostmyfrisbee: Do you think he'd want apple slices? I know he likes tangerines and guava

mama spider: awww steve is so straight, making tony a fruit platter. no homo there

bonky: sjshJsh ... fruit platters = heterosexuality   
bonky: who the.. flip.. likes guava ew

ilostmyfrisbee: OK... bye! 

mama spider: farewell señor.   
mama spider: and we can't all just eat plums, binky

bonky: ...   
bonky: where's that hot chocolate eh

(later) 

tony looked up as steve entered the lab.   
he'd been working on peter's surprise, mainly because he really really did need to finish it soon, but also as a distraction against his embarrassment at having hurled himself at steve like a pathetic loser. 

tony tried desperately not to blush as the muscular blonde approached, holding a plate.   
"hey tones" steve said, smiling.   
tony ignored how his heart twisted when cap called him by his nickname that he had come up with a few months prior. 

tony nodded to him, pretending to be immersed in his cutting and sticking.   
peter's gift wasn't that complicated to put together, but it had taken a while to gather the bits needed, and he wanted it to be perfect. 

"i got you a snack" steve said, sliding a little plate of fruit over the counter to him.   
tony put down his scissors and smiled faintly, head busy.   
"thanks cap" he replied, fishing out an apple slice.   
"how you holding up?" steve asked gently, worry lines creased on his forehead. 

"im fine. sorry about.. earlier" tony said quickly, face reddening.   
steve shook his head. "its absolutely fine. i know its tough, we're all close to the kid but you've known him the longest n that..."   
tony blinked. oh. 

"oh yeah of course" tony stammered.   
"it's... fine. I just wish sometimes I could stay calm yknow? like you! how the hell do you do it?"   
steve chuckled. "ah.. I was trained a long time ago to hide emotions well... but you can trust that I still have strong feelings underneath all the bravado" 

tony nodded. "im jealous" he said, offering the plate to the captain.   
steve declined, he'd just had some fruit himself.   
"we can't all be stiff and boring like me" steve protested. "it's good to be..." he struggled to find a word. "passionate!"   
tony choked on his guava. 

he was saved by an alert from FRIDAY, who said that thor had entered the building.   
"thanks, Fri" steve said, while tony spluttered next to him. "I thought he was coming tomorrow?"   
tony shrugged. 

"oh yeah.. I was thinking.. me and nat and buck were talking about how we should maybe probably do a background check on the flash boy" steve said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

tony raised an eyebrow. "way ahead of you"   
steve sighed, looking at the genius with a look of exasperation.   
"what, you think I'm just gonna sit here when I can quite literally gather intel on a THREAT?" tony exclaimed, waving a hand to the hologram screens at the end of the lab. 

tony missed steve rolling his eyes as he watched the elevator ding and a large, long-haired man emerged, literally made of muscles.   
"man of iron!" he rumbled, striding over to tony.   
he expected the asgardian to be in his traditional clothes, with a swishy cape, but thor looked... relatively normal?   
he was dressed in some scruffy jeans and a VERY tight black t-shirt, that seemed to just make his biceps even bigger.   
tony totally wasn't jealous. nope. 

"point break!" tony replied, holding his hand out for a fist bump, but yelping as thor swept him up in a bone-crushing hug.   
thor's contagious laugh echoed around the lab, and he set down a wincing tony with a toothy grin. 

"ahhh...captain!" thor exclaimed, marching over to tony and embracing him. steve seemed to hold his own against the half-god, smiling. 

"ahh it is good to see you two... asgard duties have more troublesome than ever... with loki igniting mischief wherever he ventures..i shall deadly enjoy my stay" he said, rubbing his hands together. 

"where's your hammer?" steve asked, and tony chimed in with a "yeah, and you're looking surprisingly normal, sparkles" 

thor just laughed again, and reached his muscular arm out in front of him.   
his hand closed around seemingly nothing, though when he pulled it back, he was holding a plain purple umbrella. 

thor smirked when he saw the looks of shock on the terran men's faces.   
"it is currently disguised to avoid attention" he explained, twirling the umbrella in his hands, oblivious to tony's glance to the perfect weather forecast that was open on one of his screens. 

"as for my odd attire, bruce insisted i try to look human for my stay" thor said happily.   
steve nodded. "will banner be joining us?" 

thor nodded cheerfully. "overmorrow, I think. he's rather caught up with his work."   
tony smirked. if hanging out with both thor and bruce didn't short-circuit petey's brain, he didn't know what would. 

"now" thor clapped his hand on tony's shoulder, making tony wince yet again "what's this project that bruce mentioned?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k ima confess i dont maybe entirely know what project petey is... like I'm just makin this shit up as I go so lol oop  
> if u wanna comment any ideas feel free

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! comment any reqs on interactions! x


End file.
